What the shithole Middle East SHOULD look like (after the nukes)

Armed Forces Journal has a super interesting article about what the Middle East should look like based on a nation-state model. Of course, saying you are going to redraw the borders is like performing a complete rectal reconstruction. It's a fucking nightmare because they've been fighting each other since God was a teenager. Literally.


You can barely see it, but if you squint and strain your eyes real hard, you can see Jews and Shia and Sunni hugging the emrbrace of eternal harmony. I may have neglected to mention the millions of people who would have to be massacred for this map to become a reality, but come on. Details! Am I right people?

Seriously, how long have we been clamboring for a free Baluchistan? FREE THE FUCKING BALUCHISTANIS!! Also this map would make Iran the Head Motherfucker In Charge of the Middle East, so that's pretty much not a great whiz-bang solution.

You know who would be super psyched up about this map? Turkey, that's who you ignorant twit. You see, the Turks have been trying their darndest to EXTERMINATE the Kurds and Armenians for nigh on two centuries so I'm sure they are going to have a raging geopolitical boner for expanding their territories.

Basically the only good thing to come out of this map is that Jordan expands quite a bit. And that's a good thing because it is a well known fact that Jordan produces the pimping-est kings and the fucking finest-ass queens in the Middle East (eat it, Bahrain). I present exhibits A and B:

Damn, Queen Noor. You fine!

Oh shit. Queen Rania be even finer! No shit, y'all!!

Anyway, the point is that this map is probably the way it should happen except for the fact that:

• There is a (metric) fuckton of oil that would be changing hands here and last time I checked people aren't too thrilled about giving away money in exchange for some faggoty-ass notion of peace.
• These people all hate each other. They would rather fight pointless wars for eternity than compromise. Oh, they live to haggle over random trinkets at a bazaar, but when it comes to serious shit, they clam up real good like.
  
• In order for this to happen you need some seriously bad-ass motherfucker who people are scared of. That bogeyman just doesn't exist right now. Think Tito in Yugoslavia, Mao in China, Pol Pot in Cambodia, Augusto Pinochet in Chile, or Vito Corleone in New York. Mahmoud Ahmedinijiad is too much of a pussy for anyone to take him seriously. You can't wear a $60 suit and threaten to wipe countries off the face of the earth, tard.
  
• The US is too pussywhipped to do anything. Somewhere along the way, we forgot that people tend to die in wars and we became "not cool" with that. We'd rather have our soldiers sit around and braid each other's hair until they all got their periods at the same time.

What it all comes down to is (BIG FUCKING SURPRISE COMING UP HERE) oil. If these fucktards didn't have oil, we'd turn a blind eye and let them murder each other in the streets like a bunch of animals.

And speaking of letting people murder each other in the streets, if you can find 5 people who can either A) find Darfur on a map or B) explain what is going on in Darfur, I will buy you a yacht made of solid platinum (the seaworthiness of such a vessel cannot be guaranteed).