Holiday Update

Happy Holidays. I thought I'd give everyone an update on how I'm doing. Basically I'm awesome. I am important. I kick so much ass at my job and everyone likes me. When account management wants next month's forecast, who do they come to? You? No. Me! Because I'm important. I print it out for them and everything. The staple is always perfectly perpendicular to the angle bisector of the top-left corner. When my boss needs his dry cleaning picked up toute suite does he ask Bill in accounting? No. It's me. I drive safely and efficiently to the dry cleaner. And brother, I bring that shit back crisp. No doubt.

Why, just the other day, the FedEx guy came to the back door of my office building and said, "Hey, can you sign for this?" I said "You bet your ass I will!" You know why? Because I'm responsible and trustworthy. He recognized that immediately and handed me his pen (it didn't even have one of those chains that attached it to the clipboard -- he knew that I wouldn't steal his pen because I have better things to do with my valuable time). Sometimes I get to sit in on meetings where they serve food and everything. I get to sit in the back by the door (they probably know that I could kick an intruder's ass with my patented flying dropkick if they attacked).

One time this guy Greg goes "hey, big guy, can you pass me a danish?" I doubt he even knew that there were three kinds of Danish, but I was at another meeting where I saw him grab a cherry one. So I gave him a cherry one. Then he's like "thanks, chief" but I knew he was thinking "Management Material." I sent him a Christmas card with the wasssup guys on it. Dude, that shit is hysterical.

Sometimes I get lonely and lock myself in the supply closet and jam paper clips under my fingernails just so I can feel pain. That's when the dark thoughts come. And the voices, oh the voices. . . But that happens to everyone, right? I mean, who hasn't put a lit cigarette out in the palm of their hand just to break the spirit-crushing, mind numbing monotony of the days that run so seamlessly from one to the next? Am I right or am I right? Tell me about it.

So to summarize, basically I'm doing awesome. The MBA was a real blessing. Granted my net worth will be deeply in the red for many many years to come because of my student loans, but dude, I just bought a phat 19-inch color TV and an beta max player. That paycheck rules too. Now I can afford the macaroni and cheese with the gooey cheese in the foil bag instead of the powdered stuff. Sometimes I cut up hot dogs and throw them in there too. High on the hog. Hope everyone is as awesome as me. Happy Holidays!!