In the sports world, there are certain things you can't say. Just ask Jimmy the Greek or Rush Limbaugh (they are both snarling, drooling retards so I'm not attempting to defend them here). But for some reason there are more veiled ways to get your bigoted point across that are completely acceptable.
It's OK to call white athletes "gritty" and "tough as nails" but black athletes that suffer the same afflictions are "injury prone". Case in point Lenny Dykstra. He was a frail douche, but he was a cracker so people loved him. Darren Daulton too (I'm on a Dutch theme here). But look at Eric Davis. That dude hat CANCER and a motherfucking LACERATED KIDNEY and still managed to put up serious numbers. Anyway, they always talked about how he "never fulfilled his potential" and was "plagued by injury." (I remember the play that he did it too, still managed to throw the ball into the infield.)
I'm going to pause for a moment and ponder the lacerated kidney phenomenon and how un-awesome it must be.
...
...
Oh my dear God.
...
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(dry heave)
...
...
Ok. Any time you hear an announcer refer to a player as a "throwback" that means they are white. "Old School" means white as well. Brian Urlacher is old school. Kurt Schilling is a throwback. Mike Singletary and Dave Stewart would eviscerate those two pantloads in under a minute.
Also, white athletes never grew up under adverse circumstances. They were all raised by June and Ward Cleaver in vinyl-sided suburbs. Black athletes, on the other hand, always have a friend/brother who was a victim of gang violence. They can be "well spoken" but never the "All American Boy" because they are, well, black. And the all American boy is, well, white.
Black kids are "thugs" and white kids who talk the same shit on the court are "passionate." If a black kid thumps his chest on the bball court, he's "showboating" but the cracker-ass cracker who does the same thing is "really getting the crowd into it!" It's all very unseemly and that's why I usually watch sports with the sound turned off.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
What the shithole Middle East SHOULD look like (after the nukes)
Armed Forces Journal has a super interesting article about what the Middle East should look like based on a nation-state model. Of course, saying you are going to redraw the borders is like performing a complete rectal reconstruction. It's a fucking nightmare because they've been fighting each other since God was a teenager. Literally.
You can barely see it, but if you squint and strain your eyes real hard, you can see Jews and Shia and Sunni hugging the emrbrace of eternal harmony. I may have neglected to mention the millions of people who would have to be massacred for this map to become a reality, but come on. Details! Am I right people?
Seriously, how long have we been clamboring for a free Baluchistan? FREE THE FUCKING BALUCHISTANIS!! Also this map would make Iran the Head Motherfucker In Charge of the Middle East, so that's pretty much not a great whiz-bang solution.
You know who would be super psyched up about this map? Turkey, that's who you ignorant twit. You see, the Turks have been trying their darndest to EXTERMINATE the Kurds and Armenians for nigh on two centuries so I'm sure they are going to have a raging geopolitical boner for expanding their territories.
Basically the only good thing to come out of this map is that Jordan expands quite a bit. And that's a good thing because it is a well known fact that Jordan produces the pimping-est kings and the fucking finest-ass queens in the Middle East (eat it, Bahrain). I present exhibits A and B:
Damn, Queen Noor. You fine!
Oh shit. Queen Rania be even finer! No shit, y'all!!
Anyway, the point is that this map is probably the way it should happen except for the fact that:
And speaking of letting people murder each other in the streets, if you can find 5 people who can either A) find Darfur on a map or B) explain what is going on in Darfur, I will buy you a yacht made of solid platinum (the seaworthiness of such a vessel cannot be guaranteed).
You can barely see it, but if you squint and strain your eyes real hard, you can see Jews and Shia and Sunni hugging the emrbrace of eternal harmony. I may have neglected to mention the millions of people who would have to be massacred for this map to become a reality, but come on. Details! Am I right people?
Seriously, how long have we been clamboring for a free Baluchistan? FREE THE FUCKING BALUCHISTANIS!! Also this map would make Iran the Head Motherfucker In Charge of the Middle East, so that's pretty much not a great whiz-bang solution.
You know who would be super psyched up about this map? Turkey, that's who you ignorant twit. You see, the Turks have been trying their darndest to EXTERMINATE the Kurds and Armenians for nigh on two centuries so I'm sure they are going to have a raging geopolitical boner for expanding their territories.
Basically the only good thing to come out of this map is that Jordan expands quite a bit. And that's a good thing because it is a well known fact that Jordan produces the pimping-est kings and the fucking finest-ass queens in the Middle East (eat it, Bahrain). I present exhibits A and B:
Damn, Queen Noor. You fine!Oh shit. Queen Rania be even finer! No shit, y'all!!Anyway, the point is that this map is probably the way it should happen except for the fact that:
- There is a (metric) fuckton of oil that would be changing hands here and last time I checked people aren't too thrilled about giving away money in exchange for some faggoty-ass notion of peace.
- These people all hate each other. They would rather fight pointless wars for eternity than compromise. Oh, they live to haggle over random trinkets at a bazaar, but when it comes to serious shit, they clam up real good like.
- In order for this to happen you need some seriously bad-ass motherfucker who people are scared of. That bogeyman just doesn't exist right now. Think Tito in Yugoslavia, Mao in China, Pol Pot in Cambodia, Augusto Pinochet in Chile, or Vito Corleone in New York. Mahmoud Ahmedinijiad is too much of a pussy for anyone to take him seriously. You can't wear a $60 suit and threaten to wipe countries off the face of the earth, tard.
- The US is too pussywhipped to do anything. Somewhere along the way, we forgot that people tend to die in wars and we became "not cool" with that. We'd rather have our soldiers sit around and braid each other's hair until they all got their periods at the same time.
And speaking of letting people murder each other in the streets, if you can find 5 people who can either A) find Darfur on a map or B) explain what is going on in Darfur, I will buy you a yacht made of solid platinum (the seaworthiness of such a vessel cannot be guaranteed).
Friday, January 5, 2007
American Kids are Fucking Doomed
A recent survey of American middle school children asked the kids to pick the profession they would most prefer. The choices were:
The future is fucking bleak, my friends. For every kid in Peoria who wants to be Britney Spears when she grows up, there are a thousand in New Dehli that are just fucking hoping and praying for a CHANCE to get into a good technical school.
Kids in Poughkeepsie are dreaming of being in People while kids in Bangladesh are dreaming of OWNING A FUCKING BOOK!
Praise science that I will be off the grid before this generation of American quasi-tards is old enough to govern. At least a plurality of boys in the survey picked "Navy Seal." Maybe they will rise up and kill all of the other kids who picked "assistant to a celebrity."
Every generation thinks "this country is going to hell in a handbasket." My grandparents said it about the rock n' roll generation. My parents said it about the rap generation. I'm saying it about a bunch of coked up seventeen year-old anorexics who couldn't find Washington DC on a map if you tattooed it on the small of Paris Hilton's back.
Fuck you, America's youth!
- President of Harvard or Yale
- CEO of a big company like General Motors
- U.S. Senator
- Navy SEAL
- Assistant to a celebrity. (Not a celebrity, but an assistant)
The future is fucking bleak, my friends. For every kid in Peoria who wants to be Britney Spears when she grows up, there are a thousand in New Dehli that are just fucking hoping and praying for a CHANCE to get into a good technical school.
Kids in Poughkeepsie are dreaming of being in People while kids in Bangladesh are dreaming of OWNING A FUCKING BOOK!
Praise science that I will be off the grid before this generation of American quasi-tards is old enough to govern. At least a plurality of boys in the survey picked "Navy Seal." Maybe they will rise up and kill all of the other kids who picked "assistant to a celebrity."
Every generation thinks "this country is going to hell in a handbasket." My grandparents said it about the rock n' roll generation. My parents said it about the rap generation. I'm saying it about a bunch of coked up seventeen year-old anorexics who couldn't find Washington DC on a map if you tattooed it on the small of Paris Hilton's back.
Fuck you, America's youth!
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Things that will be big in '07
Money.
Sex.
Fatty foods.
Violence.
The word "twatwaffle."
"Junk" will no longer be cool to say. The new word will be "cargo."
Example: "I called her a bitch and then she kicked me in the cargo."
Sex.
Fatty foods.
Violence.
The word "twatwaffle."
"Junk" will no longer be cool to say. The new word will be "cargo."
Example: "I called her a bitch and then she kicked me in the cargo."
Holiday Update
Happy Holidays. I thought I'd give everyone an update on how I'm doing. Basically I'm awesome. I am important. I kick so much ass at my job and everyone likes me. When account management wants next month's forecast, who do they come to? You? No. Me! Because I'm important. I print it out for them and everything. The staple is always perfectly perpendicular to the angle bisector of the top-left corner. When my boss needs his dry cleaning picked up toute suite does he ask Bill in accounting? No. It's me. I drive safely and efficiently to the dry cleaner. And brother, I bring that shit back crisp. No doubt.
Why, just the other day, the FedEx guy came to the back door of my office building and said, "Hey, can you sign for this?" I said "You bet your ass I will!" You know why? Because I'm responsible and trustworthy. He recognized that immediately and handed me his pen (it didn't even have one of those chains that attached it to the clipboard -- he knew that I wouldn't steal his pen because I have better things to do with my valuable time). Sometimes I get to sit in on meetings where they serve food and everything. I get to sit in the back by the door (they probably know that I could kick an intruder's ass with my patented flying dropkick if they attacked).
One time this guy Greg goes "hey, big guy, can you pass me a danish?" I doubt he even knew that there were three kinds of Danish, but I was at another meeting where I saw him grab a cherry one. So I gave him a cherry one. Then he's like "thanks, chief" but I knew he was thinking "Management Material." I sent him a Christmas card with the wasssup guys on it. Dude, that shit is hysterical.
Sometimes I get lonely and lock myself in the supply closet and jam paper clips under my fingernails just so I can feel pain. That's when the dark thoughts come. And the voices, oh the voices. . . But that happens to everyone, right? I mean, who hasn't put a lit cigarette out in the palm of their hand just to break the spirit-crushing, mind numbing monotony of the days that run so seamlessly from one to the next? Am I right or am I right? Tell me about it.
So to summarize, basically I'm doing awesome. The MBA was a real blessing. Granted my net worth will be deeply in the red for many many years to come because of my student loans, but dude, I just bought a phat 19-inch color TV and an beta max player. That paycheck rules too. Now I can afford the macaroni and cheese with the gooey cheese in the foil bag instead of the powdered stuff. Sometimes I cut up hot dogs and throw them in there too. High on the hog. Hope everyone is as awesome as me. Happy Holidays!!
Monday, January 1, 2007
Anderson Cooper sucks balls Part 2
I wrote Andy Cooper and email about his douchebaggery. On air, he said "we've gotten several emails criticizing us about the footage of murdered Kurds that we have been showing. Ambassador, what do you say to that?"
Huh? He asked the guest what he thinks about CNN's fuckup? Dick.
Huh? He asked the guest what he thinks about CNN's fuckup? Dick.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Anderson Cooper is a Fucking Dick
While I'm drinking delicious Scotch and watching the story about Saddam Hussein being strung up, Andy Cooper comes up with this gem:
"We are being told that there are photographs and videos of the execution. You can be assured that we will be very sensitive to our viewers and not air any images that would be inappropriate."
Thanks Andy. We, the sensitive viewing public, appreciate it. Hey, what's that over your shoulder while you are so graciously protecting our delicate sensibilities?
Oh, just some MURDERED CHILDREN LAYING DEAD IN THE FUCKING STREET. Thanks Anderson. I thought you were going to show us something really disturbing. Thankfully it was only the BLOATED CORPSES OF KIDS WHO WERE GASSED TO DEATH WITH CHEMICAL WEAPONS. You fucking twatwaffle.
P.S. Thank you Internet for this little gem:
Yeah it's weird to me too. Maybe it's because I grew up seeing him as the bad guy. It's like Cobra Commander just died or something.
"We are being told that there are photographs and videos of the execution. You can be assured that we will be very sensitive to our viewers and not air any images that would be inappropriate."
Thanks Andy. We, the sensitive viewing public, appreciate it. Hey, what's that over your shoulder while you are so graciously protecting our delicate sensibilities?
Oh, just some MURDERED CHILDREN LAYING DEAD IN THE FUCKING STREET. Thanks Anderson. I thought you were going to show us something really disturbing. Thankfully it was only the BLOATED CORPSES OF KIDS WHO WERE GASSED TO DEATH WITH CHEMICAL WEAPONS. You fucking twatwaffle.
P.S. Thank you Internet for this little gem:
Yeah it's weird to me too. Maybe it's because I grew up seeing him as the bad guy. It's like Cobra Commander just died or something.
Current Events Roundup
Saddam Hussein is set to hang sometime this weekend. He's reportedly pretty psyched up about I would love for this to become an annual tradition where we hang a dictator at midnight on new years eve. Dick Clark's corpse could host and people could wear little "Hang Loose in '07" hats or something. If I had any balls, I'd wear this shirt:
Mike Tyson took some time out of his busy raping schedule to pick up a cocaine habit. That's probably a pretty good idea since cocaine has such a calming effect on sociopathic punch machine. His kids are named: Gena, D'Amato, Mikey, Rayna, Amir, Miguel, and Exodus.
Ethiopia invaded Somalia. I'm not really sure how one starving nation invades another, but early reports indicate that Ethiopia was after the large supplies of Skittles and beef jerky held in Mogadishu.
Some Dude and his brother in law decided to hand out some fiery justice to some bees that took over a swingset. They used gasoline it was awesome. Take that, you eight-legged hippies!
I lost $150 in fantasy football this year because I am a goddamned retard.
Mike Tyson took some time out of his busy raping schedule to pick up a cocaine habit. That's probably a pretty good idea since cocaine has such a calming effect on sociopathic punch machine. His kids are named: Gena, D'Amato, Mikey, Rayna, Amir, Miguel, and Exodus.
Ethiopia invaded Somalia. I'm not really sure how one starving nation invades another, but early reports indicate that Ethiopia was after the large supplies of Skittles and beef jerky held in Mogadishu.
Some Dude and his brother in law decided to hand out some fiery justice to some bees that took over a swingset. They used gasoline it was awesome. Take that, you eight-legged hippies!
I lost $150 in fantasy football this year because I am a goddamned retard.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
These vests are tight!
I'm not sure if they had the best tailors in the world or the worst tailors in the world. Either way, I'd sell my toes to be listen to these two guys have a conversation. 
Thanks for the memories, now I'm going to piss on your grave
We're getting into the busy season for year-end retrospectives. Every news show and new years rockin' eve show will have a "death reel" where they remember all the people that died in the previous year. It's usually a musical montage with swelling strings and black & white photos and shit.
They pretty much cast everyone in a good light. Let's take some time to remember those people who were wife-beaters, and murderers:
James Brown - Wife Beater
The Godfather of Soul didn't take no sass mouth from his womens. In addition to leading police on multi-state car chases, JB was also arrested numerous times for assaulting his wife/wives.
Wilson Pickett - Wife Beater
"Gonna wait til the midnight hour, that's when my love comes a-tumblin' down...ON YOUR FACE, BITCH!" Like all great entertainers, Wilson kept his pimp hand strong. He loved booze, drugs, guns, and driving around on mayors' lawns while drunk. A class act.
Kirby Puckett - Sexual Predator
Kirby served as an inspiration to overweight blind washed-up baseball players who had a proclivity for urinating in public and for forcible relations in bathrooms. For some reason this guy was always (and continues to be) a media darling. I hope he is being sodomized by Hitler in hell right now.
Trevor Berbick - Rapist
Probably most famous for beating Muhammad Ali and getting his ass beat by Mike Tyson. Ol Trev's boxing wasn't limited to the ring, though. Between preaching and dabbling in drugs, Trevor raped his kids' babysitter. Apparently that's illegal. He was murdered in Jamaica with a chainsaw. They don't fuck around in Jamaica.
Shamil Basayev - Murderer
Architect of the Beslan school siege. I like this picture because it says "hey ladies, I want to get sexy with you (and murder your children)." If Kirby Puckett is getting sodomized by Hitler in hell, I can only imagine what is happening to this dude. Sisyphus and Kirby are looking at this guy thinking "wow, that's pretty harsh." I'm guessing his fate has something to do with gargling boiling bird shit while having his skin eaten by robot spiders or something.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi - Murderer
Jordanian Terrorist and leader of al Qaeda in Iraq. Credited with bringing the beanie hat back into fashion. Bit off way way more than he could chew with the whole "Death to America" thing. Tried to be pals with Osama and company. Wanted to be a martyr. Fished his wish.
They pretty much cast everyone in a good light. Let's take some time to remember those people who were wife-beaters, and murderers:
James Brown - Wife Beater
The Godfather of Soul didn't take no sass mouth from his womens. In addition to leading police on multi-state car chases, JB was also arrested numerous times for assaulting his wife/wives.
"Gonna wait til the midnight hour, that's when my love comes a-tumblin' down...ON YOUR FACE, BITCH!" Like all great entertainers, Wilson kept his pimp hand strong. He loved booze, drugs, guns, and driving around on mayors' lawns while drunk. A class act.
Kirby Puckett - Sexual Predator
Kirby served as an inspiration to overweight blind washed-up baseball players who had a proclivity for urinating in public and for forcible relations in bathrooms. For some reason this guy was always (and continues to be) a media darling. I hope he is being sodomized by Hitler in hell right now.
Trevor Berbick - Rapist
Probably most famous for beating Muhammad Ali and getting his ass beat by Mike Tyson. Ol Trev's boxing wasn't limited to the ring, though. Between preaching and dabbling in drugs, Trevor raped his kids' babysitter. Apparently that's illegal. He was murdered in Jamaica with a chainsaw. They don't fuck around in Jamaica.
Shamil Basayev - Murderer
Architect of the Beslan school siege. I like this picture because it says "hey ladies, I want to get sexy with you (and murder your children)." If Kirby Puckett is getting sodomized by Hitler in hell, I can only imagine what is happening to this dude. Sisyphus and Kirby are looking at this guy thinking "wow, that's pretty harsh." I'm guessing his fate has something to do with gargling boiling bird shit while having his skin eaten by robot spiders or something.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi - Murderer
Jordanian Terrorist and leader of al Qaeda in Iraq. Credited with bringing the beanie hat back into fashion. Bit off way way more than he could chew with the whole "Death to America" thing. Tried to be pals with Osama and company. Wanted to be a martyr. Fished his wish.
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